How to Not Screw Up Social Media
by Julie Butcher-Fedynich
Twitter: You’re doing it wrong.
We will give you the benefit of the doubt for a little while. We know some of you are new. Everyone was the new guy once upon a time so here are some nice rules so you’ll quite looking like a self-absorbed narcissistic jerk.
Please be sure and advertise your book every chance you get. As writers, we absolutely all have more time and money than good sense and taste, and are happy to throw our dollars into your pockets on a whim.—not.
I absolutely, when given the chance, buy books from people who I have met on twitter. I especially like to walk through a bookstore and go,” I know her—don’t know her—Oh, he’s nice,” and buy their books. But these are people I’ve joked around with enough to remember their names. They’ve jumped into conversations, and have helped me with ideas and information.
They have not shoved their virtual books into my face. I’ve learned that some of them are authors in the bookstore because they didn’t cram this fact down my throat.
Also please have a twitter name similar to @PurpleBakedPotato or @HarlotBecauseIamNaked because then we know you are a writer and will search the internet for your real name in order to buy the books spammed to our Direct Messaging.—not. Also use ambiguous tweets quoted from the absolute middle of your book because we like to feel as if our brain is leaking out from our ears. (Also—not.)
He smiled evilly and purple goo misted out of an unnamed orifice. She licked her lips because she had a weird thing for goo. #PurpleGooofDoom #Book #PleaseBuyMyBook #Erotica #Free #Begging
I can guarantee that you won’t sell a single book with random quotes from your manuscript. In fact, since we have no idea where/who/what is going on, we probably won’t buy it at all. (The whole thing could be random.) An agent won’t sign you on the basis of one sentence. An editor won’t hunt you down to throw money at you. Please stop it. I can find you if I try.
What you do need to do is to talk to people. Twitter is like a twenty-four hour a day cocktail party. Mingle. Learn what they like. Talk about kids or recipes or birds or cat pictures—whatever. If you have a question about writing you can ask. If you want to know about publishing stuff, you can ask that, too. It’s like real life only it isn’t because you can schmooze in your jammies sans make-up and no one will ever know.
Facebook: You’re doing it wrong, too.
Unless you’re planning on paying us or giving out a prize, quit making people caption your pictures. This is hard work. There’s not a writer out there who doesn’t have to make their own captions or high concept pitches. Do your own stuff.
This is probably the number one pet peeve of anyone on Facebook. GET A GRIP. In fact, if one more person posts the giant paragraph that says this, I may get virtually violent.
Big effing deal. I won’t comment. I absolutely will not post something this irritating on my wall. Go ahead and delete me. There are freaking millions of other people to take your slot. This kind of passive-aggressive doo-doo makes steam come out of my ears.
Also do not do this—which also is passive-aggressive tripe.
I don’t consider myself a prude. I have six children to prove this fact. But there is a time and place for everything. If I go to a strip club, I can logically expect to see nudity. If I am on my couch sipping coffee then I don’t want to see your body. Really I don’t. If I do, I’ll ask.
Think before you post. Count to five before you click send. You’ll thank me later.
Written by Julie Butcher