The History Of The Geek
The humorous historical contrast between the evolution of the geek and the evolution of the jock.
© Buzzy Multimedia
by Theresa Bane
Somebody’s Daddy used to always say “you can’t tell where yer going if ya don’t know where you’ve been.” Quaint and true I suppose.
Applied practically, When I was a kid all parents wanted their child to be the blond hair, blue eye, raging heterosexual, popular Jock. Mine did, but what they got instead was a dark hair, stormy eyed overeducated Geek.
I, like my fellow dark hair geniuses were considered outcasts.
9 to 5ers with their choking mortgages and cubical jobs go out of their way to try to impress each other. These people are not kuel. Heck, they’re not even cool. They are the reason that “The Dresden Files” was taken off the Sci Fi channel while bloody gawd awful shows like Survivor and American Idol are allowed to preempt everything, even a presidential speech.
So, before history has a chance to repeat itself, so that the next generation of Geeks can see what has happened to their kind in the past, so that the Jocks do not have the audacity to look all shocked next time some kids go Columbine, here it is:
The History of Geeks and Jocks
5 billion years ago: earth is formed, along with the other planets. Exactly three minutes later, the Sci Fi genre was born. “In a distant galaxy far, far away…”
3.7 billion years ago: Earth’s crust solidified allowing the first tabletop battle of Warhammer 40K to be played.
3.5 billion years ago: First life appears in oceans and someone in the back of the room starts to go “da dum…da dum… da dum- da dum- da dum- da dum da dum- JAWS!”
3.25 billion years ago: Photosynthesis begins in the oceans and the idea occurs in Japan that seaweed flavored candy and soda pop will taste good.
2.4 billion years ago: The oceans now contain significant amounts of oxygen. Jocks take this opportunity to see who, by farting, can make the most bubbles.
1.9 billion years ago: The first cells with nuclei appear in oceans. Geeks begin to write lab reports, photocopied and sell them to Jock underclassmen.
0.65 billion years ago: The first multi-cellular organisms appear. Geeks giggle because when we look down at our notes we see that we shorthanded it the words and wrote “multi orgasm.” Tee hee hee.
0.5 billion years ago: The first land plants with inner vessels bloom. Geeks immediately develop asthmas and cannot mow the lawn thereby gaining an extra level of love from Mom but the eternal scorn of our older and jock brother.
250 million years ago: Mass extinction of 99% of all life on the planet and yet we Geeks STILL have seasonal allergies!
245 million years ago: The age of dinosaurs begins. Geek owned GI Joes and Star Wars action figures truly have a plastic toy nemesis worthy of a battle all over our bedroom floor.
150 million years ago: The Supercontinent breaks up and drifts apart making travel to conventions like DragonCon & Comic-con that much more difficult.
65 million years ago: The age of dinosaurs ends with the mass extinction of 70% of all living things. Geeks still have seasonal allergies but celebrate because the collector value of our toy dinosaurs just went through the roof! Go SEDCO!
3.5 million years ago: The first proto-humans appear. This is the first and only time in Geek History that we are physically better off than others.
100,000 years ago: the first Homo sapiens appears and Geeks dreadfully enter into the dark era of the Wedgies.
10,000 years ago: Recorded human history begins. “Clear off your desks and take out two sheets of paper and a number two pencil, you will have one half hour to answer the following 20 questions.” Jocks try to copy off Geeks for the first time, threatening with the first swirly of the age.
80,000 years ago: – The first Geeks fashion designers appear and add patterns and color to fabric. They too are wary of the Jocks.
30,000 years ago: – If you believe in such things, the first Illuminatus, Gruad, rules Atlantis. Back in reality, highly mobile hunting and gathering groups of Geeks are in pursuit of large game in Mesoamerica.
20,000 years ago: – Since the Jocks are buying into the whole bit of Atlantis crap Geeks fed them, Geeks now add on to the story saying that the Lloigor people live on the continent of Mu. Tee hee hee.
13,000 years ago:– Ancient Indian Text tell that while the Jocks were looking for Mu and Atlantis Geeks were living large in Mohenjodaro with their anti-gravity spaceships (called Vimanas).
11,000 years ago: – The Brotherhood of the Dragon is formed. The first printing of tee-shirts with the say “Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and go good with ketchup” are produced.
10,000 years ago: – Agriculture begins. Although Geeks are the ones keeping the books and managing crop rotation so all of mankind doesn’t starve in the winter the chicks are going for the Jocks. Life is officially and duly noted to be unfair.
9,000 years ago: — Plato’s Atlantis is written. This marks the historic beginning of Stargate and Stargate: Atlantis.
7600 years ago: – During the biggest kegger in history, the Jocks literally bring down the walls of Jericho. Fearing super secret double probation, Geeks take the blame and cover their asses blaming a sudden war and trumpets for the disaster. Jock ruler buys the story.
6,000 years ago:— Picture writing is developed by Geeks for Jocks.
5,900 BC – Jock run Summeria declares itself the first civilization. Geeks agree to keep them the hell quiet.
5,000 BC – Geeks develop the alphabet so they can pass notes to the GM while gaming. It also proves useful because Jocks are still using the picture writing technique.
3,300 BC – The Tower of Babel is built by an unaligned man named Nimrod. Because the tower was a failed public works project, Jocks pick up the name “Nimrod” and begin to apply it to things they consider “stupid.” Although it proved to be catchy as well as highly annoying, Geeks are amazed at this primitive uses of language application Jocks developed. Papers on the subject are written and published hand over fist.
3,114 BC – The Mayan calendar begins declaring this year zero. The calendar will run out in the year 2012. Some Jock yells out that he’s “gonna party like its 1999” and the first kegger breaks out.
1,800 BC — Salisbury Mound was constructed by Geeks near Stonehenge. That guy from before is now humming Peter Gabriel’s “Salisbury Hill” because no one can honestly claim for certain what the words to the song are. This is because Gabriel insisted in singing in high pitch frequencies that for the most part, only dogs can hear, and then he over synthesis his voice in the recording studio.
1,800.01 BC – The Jock who sang earlier is officially turned out by his own kind and is now deemed for all time to be a Geek.
1,780 BC — The Code Of Hammurabi created. It kinda sounds like “Hanna-Barbera” who made all of those really great Saturday morning cartoons like “Thundarr the Barbarian,” “Space Ghost,” and “Johnny Quest.”
1,500 BC — Quadrants of the moon recorded in China. “See, I TOLD YOU year round school was a good idea!” exclaims many a Geek.
1,344 BC – Egyptian pharaoh Tutankhamun was buried at Thebes. Geeks sit and wait for him to truly mummify so they can invent Egyptology.
1,184 BC — The Trojan War ends. The movie “Troy” will not be released for nearly twelve hundred centuries.
900 BC – In a desperate attempt to get away from the Jocks, a small and colicky band of Geek flee to North America.
600 BC – Money is invented as a means of attempting to deter Jocks from doing stupid and otherwise annoying things in public by “fining” them.
500 BC — Sun-Tzu’s Treatise on the Art of War, the first intelligence manual is written. Black Ops is immediately invented. Although it is a book, Jocks are interested as it describes the best and fastest way to hurt things.
440 BC — Assassination of Spurius Maelius occurs. Jocks are quoted as saying “Sun-Tsu totally rocks!”
400 BC — Druids begin LARPing in England near Salisbury Hill. “I climbed up to Sailsbury Hill…do do do dit do…”
275 BC — Approximate date Geek poet Aratus makes first systematic record of star constellations in Phaenomena. Jocks give him an equally historic wedgies for “being a Nimrod.”
263 BC – The First Punic War begins. Geeks exclaim “Someone needs to get the Art of War away from the Jocks.”
246 BC – Laptop and iPod technology make a giant leap forward as the first primitive battery is created. Now, Geeks just need to make all the stuff that goes around it. Then, they can play World of Warcraft.
212 BC – Greek Geek Archimedes uses lens technology to set fire to a Roman fleet at Syracuse. Jocks unamused rule this as “most uncool,” kick his ass, break the weapon, and severely threaten anyone against making another. Geeks listen and sadly, primitive laser technology is lost.
100 BC— Essentials of modern astrology worked out. We don’t tell the Jocks quite yet as the whole “Archimedes Laser Incident” is still too fresh a wound.
73 BC – Geek LARPer Spartacus manages to pull together a long weekend and during a particularly intense session accidentally starts a slave revolt that will rock the pillars of the Roman Empire.
65 BC – Antikythera the Geek makes the first working computer and uses it to calculate the position of the stars. Jocks declare “Didn’t I tell you this was stupid, Nimrod?” and smash it.
44 BC – During a Jock related hazing incident, Julius Caesar is killed.
0 – This is when the Jocks decide they need to start to keeping track of time so they can begin to utilize the phrase “It’s beer o’clock.”
100 – Geek Hero of Alexandria creates the first steam engine. Jocks shame him into such embarrassment over his “sissy tea pot machine” that Hero gives up on his invention and the role-playing genre of Steampunk is set back.
186 — Mt. Taupo, erupts. Romans record 3 days of global darkness. The first official Baby Boom happens nine months later.
500 – The Chinese use of gunpowder. The foundation for “House of Fireworks” up and down I-95 has been laid for future generations of Jocks to visit, liquor up, and blow off their fingers.
670 – Geek Environmental and Spatial Artist travel to the isolated and distant Easter Island to carves giant heads made of rock because earlier that year Jocks invented the first primitive incendiary bomb when they beat up the Geeky Chinese kid.
731 – The book Ecclesiastical History of England is published. The idea for the TV show X-Files is born.
800 — Mayan civilization ends. Jocks point and laugh.
1000 – Diehard gamer Leif Ericson set out to “explore” North America. Really he is just looking for a place he and his buds can gather to game without any interruptions. That, and with a name like “Leif” you can just imagine the jokes the Jocks made about his name.
1095 – In a flash of Geek brilliance the answer to the question “What can we do to get rid of all these Jocks?” is discovered-the First Crusades begin.
1100 — Robin Hood is active in England. The character class of Archer/Thief is successfully play tested. Geeks sing the Mel Brooks song “Men in Tights.”
1162 – Unable to shake Jock oppressors, the Gypsies officially begin to wander in and out of India.
1176 — Peter Waldo founds the Poor Men of Lyons. Geeks all point and smile because they can see him in his red and white stripped shirt and hat!
1200 — The Mafia is founded in Sicily. 807 years later Geeks and Jocks all over the world will suddenly be pissed off in unison with how the Sopranos ended. Neither side is even interested in the movie spin-off anymore.
1212 — The Children’s Crusade begins. Later, Geek pop singer Sting will be so moved by it he will write a long and whinny song it that only he will understand.
1241 — Mongol Jocks invade Europe and spread the secret of gunpowder far and wide in after one heck of a kegger.
1254 — Geek Marco Polo leaves for China because the Jocks keep dunking his head under water in the pool while chanting his name.
1280 – Geek Roger Bacon (no relation to Geek Kevin) invents eyeglasses and is watchful of Jock destruction, as the events of the “Archimedes Laser Incident” are still remembered. Just to be safe, he really quick invents his own type of gunpowder to protect himself.
1300 – Jocks lash out as the Inquisition begins. Goths, Emos, Wiccans, and others who are registered as “Independent ” on their voter ID card are “suppressed.”
1329 — Tarot card appear in Germany. CTCG or collectable trading card games are invented. Geeks everywhere buy up at least two of every edition that is made, especially if the packaging is different.
1340 – Poor hygiene finally catches up to the Jocks. The Black Plague savages Europe.
1360 – The first Black Mass is celebrated in France. Death Metal Jocks decides that “Satanism” will be their thing.
1492 – Geek Christopher Columbus discovers “New World.” That’s all that Jock run banks and government buildings need to hear, precedent is started and Jocks clock out for the holiday.
1503 — Science Geek Nostradamus is born. Geeks sect tries to have his recognized as a holiday but Jocks suppress it. Didn’t see that coming.
1513 – Geek Machiavelli gets his book The Prince published. It will take 471 years for Prince and the Revolution to have Purple Rain to hit the airwaves.
1562 – Jock John Hawkins is recognized as the first English slave trader with his captured of 300 slaves in Sierra Leone. Geeks are quick to point out that there is no relation between John and Geek Steven Hawkins.
1575 – 007 is conceived with the founding of British Intelligence services. That geeky guy begins to sing the James Bond theme song “Dum ditty dum dum dum dum, dum dityy dumm dum – dha dha DHA DHA!”
1587 – Geek English colony at Roanoke Island, Virginia; fed up with Jocks “disappear” and become the “lost colony.”
1600 -Geek Giordano Bruno was burned at stake in Rome by Jocks. Jocks admit that they had all been drinking and things must have just gotten out of hand and that its not like anyone got hurt.
1608 – An Apprentice Geek to anJock eyeglass maker accidentally builds a telescope. Jock Lippershey demands credit for it “or else there will be a repeat of the “Archimedes Laser Incident.” The new scientific device is aptly named the Lippershey telescope.
1609 – Geek Galileo goes off and builds his own telescope but also invents the science of astronomy while he’s at it.
1619 – Jocks sail the first slave ship into an American port in Jamestown, Virginia.
1638 – Uber-Geek Milton meets Uber-Geek Galileo. Historic day as the first “What If” conversation takes place as well as the first “Versus” conversation. Comic book spin off series as well as comic book cross over possibilities are now officially limitless.
1640 – Geek painter Rembrandt imbeds the word “sex” in a painting as a kind of joke. Geeks and Jocks all point and laugh.
1649 – Jock King Charles convicted and beheaded by Geek Parliament. Monty Python skits begin to write themselves.
1666 – The Great Fire of London occurs. Jocks scratch their heads and kick at the dirt while mumbling a half ass apology. “There was this kegger, and things kinda got out of control…but its not like anyone got hurt.”
1675 – Science Geek Leeuwenhoek discovers “animalcules” and sperm through the microscope. The secret is kept from Jocks for fear of a repeat of the “Archimedes Laser Incident.”
1702 – The First daily newspaper was published in England. Geeks begin to work on Skudo puzzles immediately.
1721 – Jock British King George I cracks down on the flourishing Hell Fire Clubs, claiming that they are popular Satanist cults. In truth, they were just gamming shops.
1760 – Geek Ben Franklin invents bifocals and becomes the first person to be called “four eyes” by a Jock.
1762 – During a long sessions of Magic: the gathering card game, the Sandwich is invented.
1767 – Geek Kunta Kinte is kidnapped by Jocks and sold into American slavery. Without this tragic event the very first book to be turned into an epic NBS TV mini series extravaganza sponsored in part by the Hallmark Company could never have happen.
1771 — Encyclopedia Britannica published. Geeks everywhere rejoice and race to see who can be the first to write a science report with it.
1776 — American Declaration of Independence is set forth. BBQ to immediately follow. Of all the holidays made mention of or shown, not a single episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” makes mention of the Fourth of July.
1781 – Jock Mel Gibson leads his fellow Americans to victory with the Battle of Guilford Court House later to be made into the movie the Patriot.
1782 – The British agrees to recognize American independence. American Jocks say “Ummm, I though we had that with the Declaration of Independence thing. So, does that mean we need to have another kegger? Cool.”
1785 – The first Geek to snap and cause destruction on a massive scale, Napoleon, graduates military school.
1791 – Musical Geek Mozart’s The Magic Flute was first performed. However it was not until Geek Austrian rock star Falco sang Rock Me Amadeus in 1985, some 194 years later, did anyone really notice all the Masonic symbolism. Geeks world wide high five one another.
1794 – Jocks rampage through the streets of Pennsylvania to show their animosity against the liquor taxes. Geeks fear another kegger induced fire a la the Great Fire of Briton.
1795 – In their biggest debacle to date the Jocks of the Georgia legislators are tricked into selling Mississippi. Geeks are baffled by the ease at which this was accomplished.
1796 — John Adams elected President. Jocks name a beer after him.
1815 — Napoleon’s Waterloo occurs. 159 years later Sweden’s primary export, pop group ABBA, sing a song about “giving in and giving it up” (entitled far too cleverly) “Waterloo.” Geeks are again baffled that not a single jock noticed members of the band were cloned from sheep.
1818 — Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein was published. Geeks wildly applaud as the Horror genre is born allowing for a slew of RPG horror games, novels, graphic novels, video games, horror tee shirts, comics, movies, and so much more to be created.
1819 – In America the Independent Order of Odd Fellows founded. Geeks are very embarrassed and suffer enmass with a “socially awkward moment” when they discover that it is not a Gaming Club.
1829 -Illuminati Geeks vote Atheists and Nihilists into the Communist movement. Atheists don’t know and the Nihilist don’t care.
1831 – The original Goth boy and Geek extraordinaire, Edgar Allen Poe, is dismissed from West Point. Good, now that he is safely away from the Jocks he can get back to his writing.
1833 – Jock President Jackson orders U.S. funds withdrawn from Bank of the United States, effectively killing the institution. He is later quoted as saying he did it “just to watch it die.”
1835 — The socialist League of the Just is founded in Paris. Geeks are confused when the show up and do not see Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and the Flash prsent.
1836 –The League of the Just changes their name to ditch the Geeks to the Marxist Communist League. However, due to a typo in the memo, Geeks are again shocked when they show up to the first meeting and do not see Neo, the Wachowskis, Morpheus, or anything Matrix related.
1848 – The cry of “Gold” goes up in California. Jocks stampede west across America. Geeks migrate east.
1860 – The electric storage battery is reinvented, this time out of much sturdier materials making it too difficult for the Jocks to destroy. Geeks are one step closer to laptop technology.
1861 – Geeks invent the Gatling gun, Jocks use it during the Civil War.
And herein ends Part One of this blog. I suspect that I lost my Jock audience by now so I guess my token “Sorry” is for my fellow Geeks alone. But as I sit here and write this, it’s a Friday night, a new episode of Doctor Who is coming on, and later I’ll be rolling up a new character for 4E. I plan on basing him off my favorite Farscape character, John Crichton. And speaking of John…maybe James Marsters will be back in Torchwood soon too. Ah, a dark hair Geek girl can dream, can’t she?
Historian and Geekologist